The following morning I called the office of my Primary Care Physician and made an appointment. It may be nothing, I thought, but I'll just see him and put my mind at ease. When I left his office I realized that it may be a long time before I would be at ease again. He sent me to a surgeon and that's when the chaos really began. A barrage of tests began and before I knew what was happening I was sent to a cancer specialist. I'll never forget the shock. Not only did I have cancer, but it was diagnosed as Stage 4. I can't express the many different emotions that ran through me. The attending oncologist could see my dismay (I'm sure she sees it in all of her patients that are diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer), and she kindly said, "I can't say we can cure you, but this IS treatable." That helped, but I couldn't help but wonder, "Why me?" I was the primary caregiver of an autistic granddaughter and had been so from the day she was born. What was to happen to her? I had just published the first book of a series of six. I had thought this was a project assigned by God, Himself. I was in the process of being recorded as a Quaker Pastor. I had believed this was my calling. What kind of joke was God pulling on me?
As I drove home that day I think I must have been feeling very sorry for myself. My mind wandered back to my past and I began to recall my adversity. I remembered that a good friend had said, "Mary, I believe you were born to adversity." Then and there in my car as I drove hopelessly toward my house and my autistic granddaughter, I accepted that statement as truth. I had lived my life as a Christian, tried to cling firmly to my faith, and spent my life serving others as I believed God would have me do. Where was He now? What would happen to this autistic child if I were to succumb to cancer?
I spent the next few days reading the Scriptures, trying to find answers and seeking to find something there that would ground me in my faith. Finally my eyes rested upon a passage and it went straight to my soul. James 1:1-5 says: "Dear Brothers and Sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy, for when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So, let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask Him, and He will gladly tell you." New Living Translation.
As I looked back at my past experiences I could see how He used every one to prepare me for my ministry in the future. Is this another test? I began to sort through my experiences to study the history of my past tests of strength and endurance and how I was blessed by the results. I could see how precious these had become as they were just what I needed to help others with similar occurrences in their lives. I realized more than ever that we are not created and placed on this planet to just live a life of selfishness, unattached to the rest of the human race. Rather, we are here for the purpose of loving God and loving each other - loving with a passion to bring happiness and peace to our fellow man.
After my youngest child started to school I began to pour myself into my ministry. I accepted a position with a fairly large congregation, began to delve into my seminary studies, and devoted my life and time to my family and to a community I learned to love. Not long after, I became a Christian Counselor and that is when I began to use my previous tests of life to minister appropriately to others.
These life lessons began from birth. I was born to an alcoholic mother who didn't want me. My grandmother coddled and cared for me until she died. I was a little over two years old when I was returned to my mother who reluctantly took me in. She was abusive and I experienced beatings and neglect from her, but God was good, in that the father he gave me was a Saint. He never knew of her attitude while he was working and although he pretended not to know about her drinking, I'm sure he must have known. She made every effort to imitate the perfect wife and mother and my siblings and I accommodated that desire for our father's sake.
I was brutally raped by one of her suitors, after which time I was convinced by my mother (without my father's knowledge), that I would never be suitable for marriage because I was dirty and "used up". I took a chance and married a man who was generally kind, a hard worker and bipolar with the hope that he would never know what happened to me. I felt if he did, he would toss me away like a piece of rubbish. I wasn't aware of his bipolar disorder until after we were married. We had been married for 57 years before he passed.
I desperately wanted children and although I ended up with three wonderful children, I lost eight in the process. My youngest daughter, a sweet, spiritual young lady, married a man who in time proved to be gay and went his merry way, leaving her with a child. She tried to deal with this for a while, then, feeling guilt and depression she turned to drugs, leaving me with her baby. I prayed for my daughter daily, but she had begun to mix with the wrong crowd, those she could identify with in relation to her new twist and my prayers seemed to go unanswered. A few months later she gave birth to another child and I took the responsibility for that one, also. We were to learn later that the first child was bipolar and the second was autistic. However, I saw each of them as a blessing and through it all, tried to keep them as attached to their mother as I possibly could.
As life went on, I developed breast cancer. I continued to care for the little ones and my husband. He had been strong in his youth, but in his 40's he had a coronary that took at least one fourth of his heart. From then on, he required help and attention. Once the children grew to be in their teens, he developed Alzheimer's disease and there I was with a teen-age bipolar granddaughter, an autistic granddaughter, and an Alzheimer's husband - all in the house with me as the caregiver.
These are just a few of the trials I have faced as I've journeyed through this life. Now how could all of these tests be considered a blessing? I have learned that they were - each and every one of them because at least one person has come to me for counseling with a like situation and their problems have touched on each of the lessons I have learned.
I sat in my office and listened as a young man confessed that he always felt unwanted. He went on to say that he was given away at birth and that he had no idea who his birth mother was. "Who could love me if my own mother didn't want me," he mumbled. That was such a familiar phrase to me. I thought of the many years that I had felt the same way. I was able to help him to see that there are many reasons why people do the things they do. Perhaps she had felt it was in his best interest. She may not have had the means to provide for him properly. Whatever her reason, he needed to realize that the incident that happened at birth need not affect his entire adult life. Rather, it should help him to find peace within himself and then go forth to help another with the same problem. After several visits he began to see his own self worth and accept himself as someone who deserved to be loved. First, he had to accept himself. Had this not happened to me, could I have been such help to him?
I see the lovely young lady across the desk from me. She's 24 years old, beautiful, intelligent and accomplished. She began to talk about her relationships and told me about her loyal friends. She didn't go out much, worked extra hours on the job (without pay) and spent a lot of time alone except for the times she communicated with her friends at work, through emails and instant messages. "Is there no significant other in your life?" I asked. She admitted that there really was not. At first she would tell me that she was too busy, not interested in a relationship with the opposite sex, or that she had better things to do alone.
During the third visit she began to open up and be truthful. She had been sexually abused by her step-father on more than one occasion. He kept reminding her that if she told her mother she would break her own mother's heart. Eventually she became pregnant. Her mother called her the usual names one hears in situations like these and forced her to have an abortion. She would often remind her that she would never have a successful relationship with any man because of her behavior. The girl took this to heart and avoided every suitor who approached her. Since all of her friends were female, people began to think of her as part of the gay crowd. I didn't have to expose my experience, but relating to the means by which I worked through my own problem I was successful in helping her to work through hers. Had I not had that experience, would I have been as helpful to her?
The story goes on. If I had not known the grief of losing a child, how could I have understood the heartache of another in the same situation? Had I not raised an autistic child, how could I have related my successful experiences to others as I do today? If I had not had breast cancer, how would I understand the emotional pain of one who had to face a mastectomy? All things DO work together for good for those who love the Lord and who use those trials as learning experiences to reach out to others.
Now I wonder. Here I am again, facing another challenge. Let me say that the daughter who was unable to care for her daughter has gone through drug withdrawal and to my surprise will be capable of loving and caring for her own child after I am gone. I am so proud of her. The granddaughter I raised in a Christian home strayed far from God. She has regained her faith in God, planning a Christian upbringing for the child she is expecting, and serving Him with all that she has. My heart leaps inside me as I rejoice in that miracle. Already I can see Treasure in my Trials. Can you?
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